Time for a big adoption update! And this is more of a personal one from me. And just a fair warning, it’s a little emo. So you might want to grab a glass of wine to go with my whine.
We are on month 10, as of this week. 10 months since we were accepted into our program to adopt from China.
Honestly, we were so busy last month that I didn’t think too much about it being month 9. I work VERY hard on not comparing our timeline to others. And with a LOT of friends having babies (and adopting babies) all around me, it can be a challenge. But it’s one area where I stay very disciplined because, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I go there, I believe those words. And we never doubt our choice to adopt from China. That said, it can just feel painfully slow at times.
And this week is one of those times.
Last month we were done with paperwork (I don’t know if you’re ever truly done, but we were caught up for the time being…) and other than going to a fingerprinting appointment and waiting for a form to come back in the mail, we didn’t have anything adoption related on our to-do list.
I think in some ways it was a much-needed break. I got so much done… other things. And for the first time since last summer I am feeling caught up and on top of things with my job… which is no coincidence! The adoption was consuming so much of my time for 8 months I felt like I had a part-time job.
Anyway. It felt awesome to be caught up. I wasn’t crying or sad at all last month. I felt like I had finally adjusted to my new life of waiting indefinitely. ha!
But also, in my heart I was starting to build up a lot of expectations that maybe weren’t realistic. I was telling myself that were were SO CLOSE. I have a lot of friends who have adopted from China (thanks to you, Internet!) and for the most part they had pretty speedy processes. I’ve been hearing a lot of encouragement that we are so close. And it felt good. It felt really good.
There was even a 24 hour period where I misunderstood an email and I thought that we were already waiting for a match… like it could be ANY DAY.
But no. Sigh.
Yesterday I was texting with my friend about how ok I was doing and what all was going on (or not going on….) Feeling zero percent emo.
So, I guess I should have seen it coming.
I was reading an update from our agency (a mass newsletter type email, not a personal one) and there was info about the timelines and how they are typically going currently (this is the timeline for people adopting in our program and how soon they are getting matched and traveling to adopt- sorry if I’m not making sense…)
I read them, did the math, realized that it is HIGHLY unlikely that we’d be home with our kiddo in time for the holidays this year. Not being together this holiday season has always been the absolute worst case scenario in my mind. I mean- I already have our family Halloween costumes picked out for this October… I stay REAL optimistic…. maybe too optimistic though.
This past Christmas, when we were six months into the process and it was brutal. The main way that we coped was by planning next Christmas. So finding out that it’s a real possibility that we may still be waiting this next Christmas kills me.
I lost it completely.
Cried for an hour or so. Jeremy was prepared with all the love and comfort he could offer me, but this isn’t easy for him either. He’s ready to be a dad too. He’s been though every step of this with me and he is so ready.
I was so angry. So upset. So scared. So hurt. All of the feelings that I hadn’t had for this past month or two came out all at once.
And then, once all the tears were out. I was ok again. We’re fine. We talked about positives things we could make of it like squeezing in a couple trips together in the meantime.
And we definitely realize that these tears could all be in vain. We could get matched quickly… we could maybe even be home in time for that ridiculous Halloween costume… but probably not. And regardless, I had to let go of it all in my heart.
Life doesn’t stop just because you’re waiting to adopt- but we’ve kind of stopped it. We haven’t been planning anything because, honestly, we’re hoping that this little girl is coming home soon. But I’m realizing now that maybe it’s better to just keep living our life and buying extra travel insurance and doing big projects. Because plans can be changed but leaving this big gap in our schedule for a thing that may or may not happen this year is too painful… and honestly maybe it’s all just a mind game that I’ve been playing wrong.
There is nothing we can do to make this waiting period faster. There is also nothing we can do to gain clarity on our schedule. We have to be ok with hearing that our match could come in one month or in ten.
Even if I feel like my brain is going to literally melt out of my ears, I have to be ok and accept that I cannot make this child come home faster. I am a planner. I like to make plans and do them and then move on the next thing. So having a schedule that’s completely out of my control is so difficult for me.
I feel like our life is on hold. But I guess I’m starting to realize that it’s only on hold if I let it be on hold.
I’m definitely going to plan a big, FULL Summer for us… and then Autumn… and then Winter.
One season at a time we’re going to do our damnedest to enjoy the season we are in.
Thank you for sharing the ups and the downs with me. This is the hardest thing we have ever done, but so so amazing as well. It really is both. And from what I hear- it’s just a prelude to parenthood….
Thank you for the love and positive thoughts. We feel like the luckiest people in the world, even in the not-so-fun moments. We are so incredibly lucky.
