Mother’s day is the happiest day for many people, but not everyone. Last year I woke up on Mother’s day in a pretty dark place. I had been in the adoption process for more than a year and it was looking like it could easily last another year. I had a fully decorated nursery that I sat in and read children’s books when I was feeling down. I cried in my car on a regular basis. I knew in my head that I was actually extremely lucky that I was going to be a mom, but that didn’t make the wait any easier at the time.
Last mother’s day, I was flooded with the nicest, kindest text messages from friends and family that reminded me of the thing I was trying to forget- that everyone felt sorry for me. Many of the texts and messages said, “you’re already a mom!”… to which I said “thank you” but in my head said- “no…”. I just wanted to be invisible and skip to the next day.
And so today I want to write something for anyone who is hurting. Whether you are longing to be a mother or you have suffered a loss, I hope you know that you are not alone today.
I would never admit to anyone what I was really going through. I didn’t want to hurt anyone who was going through something worse than I was (and on the internet, there is always that person). And people’s sympathy didn’t fix any of my problems. It was much easier to pretend like I was fine because then I didn’t have to have long conversations about it. But I wasn’t fine. I woke up with a hole in my heart every day.
And it was always like that. For most of the years I was married to Jeremy, before we began our adoption, we always talked about how we could be happy with or without children. And that was always true! But once we began the process, and we began preparing our home and our hearts for a tiny person… it felt different. I woke up every day wishing to be in a different season, wishing to be someone’s mom.
I did everything I could to push the feelings down. I stayed super busy. I focused on positive goals. I did everything in my power to keep our adoption moving forward as quickly as possible. But as the months went by I became more and more tired. It wore me out. I would honestly say that that last six to eight months before we were matched was the saddest time in my life.
The thing that made it really tough was that I didn’t know when it would end. Our match could come next month or it could be a year. I was hoping for the best, but unable to even think about the worst.
Last Mother’s Day was not an easy one. And, in contrast, this year will probably be the happiest Mother’s Day of my whole life. It all changed so much, so fast. It’s crazy.
I don’t have anything super wise to say. I just wanted to write this for anyone who needs to hear it today…. hold on to what is good. Maybe what is good is a memory of the past or hope for the future… maybe it’s a little bit of both. But whatever it is you are holding onto- hold it tight.
You are not alone, today and always. There are countless women who are feeling just like you today, but for various reasons find it easier to hold it in and minimize it. It’s not always easy to bare your heart in the middle of a tough season. For me it’s always been easier to share something personal after it is already behind me. Wherever you are, whatever you are feeling and however you choose to express it- just remember that you are not alone.
From the bottom of my heart… from my most hurting season and my most happy season. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.
*Photo by Katelyn Fuson (and yes, it’s an actual candid- LOL)
