The Larson House

Today I want to talk about a topic that I get messages about pretty frequently- religion in the adoption community. I have shared pretty openly that we are not very religious and that we do not attend church. So keep that in mind as you hear my perspective. After our first adoption one of the things I wanted to advocate for is for non-religious people to enter the mostly-religious world of international adoption and today I get my chance!

Q: I’m not religious. How do I find an adoption agency that is not religious? 

A: Something we realized right away is that liberal families tend to gravitate toward private domestic adoption and religious families tend to gravitate toward international adoption (I don’t mean to over-generalize and I realize there are exceptions but in our circle of friends, family and stories we have read this has been pretty consistent). So going into our first adoption we knew that if we decided to adopt from China we’d be in a minority among the other families.

We grew up in Missouri and in conservative churches, so being around religious people is nothing new to us. We knew going into our China adoption that most agencies (all of the agencies we looked at) were faith-based. We agreed from the beginning that we’d be open to working with an agency that was Christian as long as we never felt discriminated against, pressured to lie about our faith or be required to join a church.

I will be honest that one of the main reasons we initially chose Holt as our agency was that we were told that they were not “very religious” and we actually did not even realize they are a faith-based agency until we were already in the program.

As nerve wracking as it was, I always asked on the first phone call to agencies and social workers if it would be an issue that we did not attend church. I think that being able to be honest is important and that people of any faith (or no faith) should be able to find an agency that makes them feel respected and supported. In our experience we never felt discriminated against or pressured and it was a great experience!

That said, discrimination in the adoption world is very real. There are agencies that make families sign a statement of faith (basically requiring you to have very specific religious beliefs) and there are all kinds of things that can disqualify families from some (but not all) programs like being in a same sex marriage, being single or having a lower income. In the United States we’re pretty fortunate that there are so many programs to choose from that most families can find a fit for them- but the fact remains that the adoption world is not free of discrimination and it’s absolutely one of the places where people are still “allowed” to profile people based on their religion. I’m not defending that- in fact I’d love to be an advocate for change. But at the moment that’s where it is.

Note- I never recommend getting your information about qualifications to adopt from blog because the rules in each program change all the time. The best option is to call an agency who works with the program you are considering to ask all your questions.

Back to our story! We never felt discriminated against- which was great. We were able to be honest about our beliefs and that we have no intention of joining a church and we felt supported for who we are each step in our process.

That said, we 100% felt we did not fit in when we got into big groups of other adoptive families. We still have this experience when we go to China adoptee meet ups in our hometown from time to time. We feel like a minority a lot of time time- but it’s something that we have embraced and it’s been really healthy for us.

We started our adoption in 2016, right before the election. We definitely live in a liberal bubble besides an occasional conversation with our conservative family members. So our adoption helped us to step outside our bubble. We did meet other families who we share ideology with, but more often we met people who we honestly had not much in common with besides our love for adoption, and specifically special needs adoption. And to be honest- it was a bright spot for us in a very dark year. It was good to share something so deep and personal and beautiful with people who we probably never would have met otherwise. And I really think the people who met us felt the same way.

So to jump back to the initial question- “How do I find an adoption agency that is not religious.” I guess my advice is to be open to joining a program that is religious (obviously one that is still accepting of different religious and non-religious families). It was a good experience for us. I understand the tendency to want to find a place where you can fit in more, but we are so glad we opened up to joining a program where the majority of people have different beliefs than us. So that’s just my two cents.

To summarize- discrimination in the adoption community absolutely must end, but being a minority in a big crowd of religious people was a good experience for us. In a culture that is becoming increasingly divided, we all benefit from leaving our bubbles once in a while.

Considering adoption? Our agency, Holt International, is happy to talk you through different options for adoption (it’s free and there is zero commitment). Holt has adoption programs for China, Korea, Vietnam, Colombia, Thailand, the Philippines, Haiti and India. You can get in touch with them by clicking here.

Holt is also offering half price application fees in the month of November when you use the code Larson. Click here to apply. *I am not being paid to share these links for Holt. I want to support and recommend them because we’ve had a good experience and I think they are a helpful resource to answer specific and personal questions we can’t answer.

Today’s question is one of the first questions I asked when we decided to adopt. Many people spread outdated information saying that China adoptions take seven or ten years. While this may have been true for some people (in the past), it is not true for us or the dozens of other adoptive families we’ve connected with.

It’s my biggest pet peeve when people get turned off from adoption because they hear one negative fact or story- especially when a lot of the time it’s untrue or lacking context. So with that said- let’s talk about timelines!

Q: How long did your adoption take? 

A: Our adoption took eighteen months from the day our application was accepted by Holt to the day Nova was in our arms in China.

We were first time parents-to-be who had been trying to conceive for several years, so throughout our entire adoption process I felt like I wished I had started sooner or had a way to speed it up. I was very anxious and more than ready. In hindsight, a year and a half is not that long. The beginning stages of our paperwork were fairly delayed and it was very emotional for me. Everyone told me that it would be over soon and that we’d be matched with the perfect child for our family. I thought it was annoying and cliche in the moment- but now I see that they couldn’t have been more correct.

We were pretty far back in the line of families waiting to be matched (maybe like 50th or 60th?) when Nova’s spotlight email appeared in our email box, but it was our destiny and after we matched with her the final few months before traveling to meet her sped by.

We have many friends who were matched super quickly, but of course these people were open to more serious medical conditions and a bigger range of ages. These factors can make a huge difference!

Currently I think they say China adoptions have around a two year wait. It can be longer or shorter depending on the age range, gender and special needs your family is open to. There is currently a shorter wait time for boys than there is for girls. Every program is a little bit different, and even the China program can change a lot from year to year so the best way to get information is to call an agency (I’ll share ours at the bottom of this post) for a free informational phone call.

For our second adoption we have no idea what our wait will be because we are specifically hoping to adopt another child with albinism. I talked more in detail about that in this post.

If you only hear one thing I am saying remember this- all adoptions are different. If anyone tells you that all adoptions take a really long time they are misinformed. There are definitely programs that are quicker or slower, but don’t let it discourage you. Get all the facts before you make your own decision.

We spent eighteen months wishing for this moment every day (and honestly, a lot of years before that). I still feel the weight of that every day and feel so thankful to have Nova in our lives.

If you are considering a private domestic adoption, I recommend reading Kelly’s adoption story. Actually- read it either way… it’s so beautiful!

Considering adoption? Our agency, Holt International, is happy to talk you through different options for adoption (it’s free and there is zero commitment). Holt has adoption programs for China, Korea, Vietnam, Colombia, Thailand, the Philippines, Haiti and India. You can get in touch with them by clicking here.

Today we’re here to answer some questions about bonding. This is one of the topics I get the most private questions about and they can be deeply personal.

A: How do you reconcile the lost time when adopting a toddler? 

Q: To be honest, I don’t. I let myself feel the loss. Missing two and a half years of our daughters life wasn’t a deal breaker for us, but it definitely hurts in certain moments. In adoption there are painful feelings and loss for everyone involved- I think it’s healthy to accept these feelings for what they are. I think it’s important to let it be complicated.

Q: How long did it take you to feel like you were really Nova’s mom? 

A: If the question is when I “felt it” in my heart- I felt a deep and permanent bond with Nova before we even met.

If the question is when did I feel like Nova and I had a mutual bond, I’d say it was one to two months before I felt like things were progressing more effortlessly. I will say- in hindsight, it was the most difficult time in my life, but in the moment I was telling Jeremy every day that it was the happiest time in my life. Within the first month or two after we returned from China we began to establish routines, build trust and bond. It was a long and gradual process, not a light switch that turned on one day.

Q: What were the biggest challenges of adopting a toddler? 

A: Grief. Even though we knew in our brains that taking Nova from her orphanage was a good and necessary thing for her, it felt so brutal in the moment. Watching it all play out through her two year old eyes was very painful. She lost everything she knew and every comfort she had all in one day. At her age it was so ambiguous to us what she was understanding and how we could comfort her at first. It was really challenging not to be able to fix things for her, but we all lived through it together.

I always want to share the painful parts of adoption because it would be wrong and weird not to share the whole story but I also feel like sometimes people get really hung up on these stories and I never want to derail someone from considering adoption. Yes, it’s super difficult in certain moments, but being a parent is always super difficult in certain moments. It’s worth it a thousand times over.

Q: Did you worry your child wouldn’t bond with you or would suffer from permanent emotional damage?

A: This is for sure the most asked question and I want to be very careful with how I answer it because, yes- these concerns come from real stories. Adoption comes with a huge amount of risk (as does all parenting).

For better or for worse we decided to treat Nova “normal” from day one. We have always parented her as we would have parented a biological child- so there is no special strategy in our parenting that is adoption specific. We always know in the back of our minds that we can modify our plan with things we have learned in our adoption training or with therapy, and we will when and if we need to.

But no, we weren’t “worried” because we choose to expect the best case scenario even though we are prepared for the worst.

It breaks my heart how many people don’t consider adoption because of this fear. I think it’s really important to make these big decisions in our lives from a place of love and not fear. Please don’t let one negative story keep you from considering adoption. There are so many beautiful stories!

Q: Did you do “cocooning” after you came home from China?

A: We spent the first three months with just us and Nova (no babysitters or childcare and no guests staying at our home). We weren’t super strict about not letting people hug Nova or anything like that- we played it by ear (some adoptive families are strict about that stuff because they’re concerned it will confuse the child as they learn the idea of a parent). We went in public a ton during those months (honestly- we just needed to get out of the house). Those months were very special to us and I do think it’s good to get into a routine as quickly as possible when adopting a toddler.

Q: I want to adopt, but I’m worried my family won’t an adopted child as much as a biological child…. Did you deal with this?

A: This is pretty heavy. We get this question a lot- too much.

I’ll give you my advice super honest as I would say it to a friend. Most people who send us stories like this are getting pushback from their parents or their grandparents. Remember that many people still haven’t seen a normal/positive adoption story first hand. Remember that in past generations adoption had a lot of stigma and secrecy that just isn’t as typical in our generation. Remember that many of these people are coming from a place of fear, not experience.

In our experience, any worries were erased once our family had a chance to see Nova’s photos and then meet her in person. We never doubt that she is loved equally as much as our sibling’s biological children.

My advice is to follow your path and don’t let fear derail you, especially someone else’s fear. Try to patiently educate your family and friends about the positive aspects of adoption that they may not have been exposed to and have faith that their hearts will catch up and their fears will be erased as they get to know your adopted child.

Considering adoption? Our agency, Holt International, is happy to talk you through different options for adoption (it’s free and there is zero commitment). Holt has adoption programs for China, Korea, Vietnam, Colombia, Thailand, the Philippines, Haiti and India. You can get in touch with them by clicking here.