The Larson House

Hello. I am returning to share the second part of our Q+A on adoption. You can find part one here.

SPECIAL NEEDS ADOPTION QUESTIONS: 

Q: How did you come to the decision to be open to adopting a kiddo with disabilities?
A: After seeing our friend adopt a special needs child, Jeremy told me he would be open to it. I guess we just realized that it was a challenge we’d be happy to take on as a family. It didn’t feel scary to us. We believe that people’s hearts open for a reason, so if you feel your heart opening you shouldn’t ignore it.

Remember that there is a HUGE spectrum of things that qualify as a special need in the adoption process. There are children with issues that have ALREADY been corrected, issues that can be corrected, issues that will be ongoing and so on. I cannot emphasize enough that some of them are very minor and a lot of these children will have completely normal lives.

I know that the term “special needs” scares a lot of people off and that’s so unfortunate because a good number of these children will never need any surgeries or special education in school. Even if you have never envisioned yourself adopting a special needs child, you might change your mind after learning more about these children.

Back to our specific story… we ultimately adopted Nova who has albinism (which isn’t considered minor, but it feels very minor in our day to day lives). It comes with vision issues that are not correctable. Accepting and embracing the reality of Nova’s condition was a part of our story. And it’s a BEAUTIFUL part of our story. Now that we know her and love her with all our hearts it feels silly that we were nervous initially.

One thing that helped us immensely was being able to meet a child with albinism. I would highly recommend finding a way to meet a child with whatever condition you are considering and ask their parents some questions- this is the best education we were able to get. Also, being able to connect with adults who have albinism helped us so much to visualize Nova’s future. Putting real people’s faces and stories with a medical condition erases so much fear.

Q: Were/are you ever scared that a special needs child or unforeseen development problems will be more than you feel like you can handle?
A: Yes, we were afraid in the beginning. But the way our program worked I felt extremely prepared for the special needs we “signed up” for. We had a consultation with a nurse to make sure we fully understood everything on our list. Then, before we were matched, we had a meeting with a matching consultant at our agency where we went over the list again.

With ANY child (biological, adopted, special needs or not) there can and will be unforeseen things in your future. So I tried to always separate that fear, since it’s a general parenting challenge, not specific to our situation.

I think it’s also important to note that we never felt pressured to take on more than we felt comfortable with. If anything, our agency went above and beyond to try to make us feel like we always had the option to say no. I think a lot of people are scared of being pressured, but that’s not something I’ve seen happening. At least not in my experiences.

Q: Will she need any eye surgeries? We’re looking to adopt a child with albinism as well, and have been reading up on the possible issues they might have concerning their vision.
A: We don’t know yet. A lot of people with albinism have surgeries to improve their eye alignment. So it’s certainly a possibility for Nova in the future. The main thing people ask us all the time is if glasses can correct her vision. The answer is no. The vision issues associated with albinism are not completely correctable by surgery or glasses, but there are still a lot of things we can do to help her adapt.

It’s common to be legally blind as a person with albinism. And Nova’s vision won’t necessarily worsen over time. If there is anything her doctor recommends, we will try it. But our main goal at the moment is to help her continue to adapt and learn to advocate for herself and her needs before she begins school.

CHINA SPECIFIC: 

Q: Is China easier to adopt from than other countries?
A: I haven’t looked into the rules for every country in the world, but out of the ones I looked into China did have one of the shorter waiting periods. Also, since adoptions from China to the US have been going on for decades, it’s a maybe a larger and more predictable program than some since so much groundwork has been laid for the process. I wouldn’t call it “easy” (there is no easy international adoption), but there are definitely other countries that are more complicated to adopt from or take much longer.

Q: Do you know if China is open to gay couples adopting?
A: Sadly no. China is not. It’s only open for straight married couples and single women (everyone has to be over 30).

Q: Why did you pick China?
A: I talked a lot about why we chose China here. It was a combination of seeing a friend adopt from China and developing a personal connection and it just feeling like the right fit for our family in the moment.

We spent about a month looking into options before we chose a program, but ultimately you have to just pick one and start doing the paperwork. There’s no right or wrong. One thing we’ve noticed is that so many families just seem to know where they want to adopt from (whether it’s domestic or international) and I prefer to believe that these instincts are there for a reason and it’s meant to be. Since all orphans need to be adopted equally, I don’t waste too much time analyzing. I’m just happy when anyone adopts a child from anywhere. 🙂

Q: If you adopt again, will you pick China? (and the same agency)
A: We decided to wait until we’ve been home six months to even discuss our second adoption, but probably. We feel like we learned a lot of really specific information that could help us on our second adoption and it seems ideal that Nova could have a sibling with a similar origin and heritage to share. And we are definitely open to adopting another child with albinism.

As far as the agency (We used Holt), we’re not sure. We liked our agency, but we’ll probably look into all the options again if we do a second adoption from China. The biggest strength of Holt was the support that we had from their staff while in China, but it’s a bigger agency- which means a longer line of families who are waiting to be matched. That’s probably the only reason we’d look at smaller agencies next time too. But we do recommend Holt and had a good experience.

Q: How long is the wait to adopt from China?
A: It fluctuates, but I think it’s fair to say 2 years is an average for most of the families we have met. The fastest one I’ve heard of in the last few years was fourteen months. Ours took eighteen months, but we did skip a big part of the waiting period by choosing a child from our agencies “spotlight” email.

Q: How do you plan to honor Nova’s Chinese heritage?
A: We have a lot of children’s books that teach about China (and adoption) ready to go once Nova is understanding story time (her current favorite thing to do with books is rip them up- haha). We plan to observe Chinese New Years with a party at our home every year (it is a really beautiful holiday and we’re having so much fun learning about it). Once Nova is older (we’re thinking maybe around her 10th birthday) we will do a big family trip to China, although she may get to go back with us sooner for an adoption trip…. we’ll see!

We’re also finding ways to keep Nova hearing and speaking Mandarin. Right now she watched only Mandarin cartoons and listens to a lot of children’s songs too. In Nashville we are lucky enough to have a community of other adoptive families that host events for the children to meet up and learn about Chinese culture together.

Q: What is the hardest part about the international adoption process?
A: Compared to a private, infant adoption in the US (which some of our best friends went through while we were working on ours) I’d say there are three big things that were more difficult. 1. More paperwork (you have to do a dossier AND a homestudy instead of just a homestudy). 2. The unique challenges that come with adopting an “older” child (meaning a child who is not a newborn) even if the child you adopt oversees is relatively young (for China under 2 years is extremely young) they will be going though trauma and confusion being uprooted from the orphanage, which for many children is the only home they have ever known. 3. The travel. We stayed in China for two weeks (this is normal, you have to apply for your child’s Visa while you are there and wait for it) and then there was that fourteen hour flight home. There were definitely moments where I wished we could be going though all that initial trauma with Nova at home instead of in a hotel room.

Q: Do you know who her birth parents are and if so, do you plan on ever letting her get in touch with them or telling her about them?
A: A lot of people don’t know that in China it’s still illegal to give a child up for adoption, this is why so many orphans are found anonymously with no note and (not even a name or a birthday).

No, we don’t know who Nova’s birth parents are. I will be honest that early in the process this was comforting to me. I had a lot of fears about raising a child and feeling like someone was watching our lives online. But now that I know Nova, it’s so different. I would give anything to meet her birth parents or even to be able to send them a letter just to tell them how happy we are.

When she’s older if she wants to try to find them, we will help her try. That will be her choice when the time comes.

Q: Have you thought about any possible racial implications and how to guide her through that (like the unique dynamic of Asian-Americans in the U.S. specifically, e.g. the model minority stereotype, and how she may face racism because of being non-white)?
A: Yes, of course! I think any family who adopts children of another ethnicity has a responsibility to learn about the other culture and make it a BIG part of your family. We’re excited to do this. There is also some training you are required to do before adopting. I don’t think anything can completely prepare you- but being aware and as prepared as possible was a big priority for us.

And obviously, Nova’s identity is even more unique because of her albinism (I actually have to correct people on her ethnicity all the time- even medical professionals). So we’re working at connecting with other families with children with albinism, which will be a huge resource for her as she grows up.

Q: How are you managing the language barrier?
A: Before we traveled to China I was really nervous about communication. Other adoptive mamas (my preferred source for advice on ALL things adoption) told me NOT to worry about language. They kept telling me it would happen so fast and it was a non-issue. And I’m happy to report that they were correct.

I know it seems terrifying to bring home a two year old who speaks another language, and it was, but we were able to understand what was upsetting her super quickly. We were 100% able to care for her needs before we could speak to us. And she started to say her first english words (real communication, not just mimicking what we said) within our first week together.

Teaching Nova English has been one of the most incredible experiences of our lives. We don’t take any credit because her little brain is such a sponge, so it’s VERY easy to teach her new words and it’s so fulfilling to watch her English develop at such a rapid pace.

We teach her english by remembering to talk out loud about everything we are doing throughout the day. We over-explain things. We talk above her level and then wait to see if she understands by responding with the correct actions (she does so often). It honestly feels like a miracle how quickly she is learning. She picks up new words and phrases almost every day that we weren’t actively trying to teach her. Lately, we’ve been teaching her more intentionally…. I may write another post about this because it’s been so incredible and we’ve learned a lot.

Hopefully this will be reassuring for someone. Watching her language develop was by far on of the easiest and most fun parts of adopting a toddler internationally.

Q: Is there a special “ceremony” when you meet her for the first time? And at 2.5 years old, how do you make her say goodbye to everything she has ever known?
A: Yes, there is a vows ceremony. I think it’s usually a day later, but we did ours the same day because it was going to be closed the following day. You also get a family photo taken and a certificate.

To answer the second question, it’s SUPER traumatic for the child. Really internalizing that fact helped us to be there for her and have compassion when she was initially rejecting us so hard. We knew that ultimately we were giving her a better, permanent home. But that didn’t make it any easier to take them back to your hotel for the first time. It was one of the most raw and devastating experiences of our lives. But it it was more than worth it in the end.

Q: What, if any, supporting care/counseling do you have at home to help her (and you? I don’t know..) through the bonding process?
A: After the adoption you will have follow up appointments with your social worker for several years. They, along with your pediatrician, can refer you if you need more support.

For us, other adoptive families who had walked in our shoes was the biggest help and support to us in the first few weeks. We even called our friends back in Tennessee on one particularly difficult day in China. Finding your support circle is so important.

MONEY: 

Q: How much did your adoption cost?
A: In total, our adoption cost around $35,000. There were no hidden fees or surprises. Our agency did a good job of preparing us for all the payments.

When we were in China a new law was passed that eliminates the requirement for the orphanage donation fee (around $5,000) and that is now optional.

Do you have to meet a certain income level to adopt? China requires minimum annual income of $30,000 plus $10,000 for each child currently in the home, and net worth of $80,000 for couples and $100,000 for singles.  (you can read all the current requirements for China here).

For those curious- the prices I’ve heard on private domestic adoptions (with a lawyer) are between 25,000 to 30,000 (it can be more if you agree to pay more of the birth mother’s expenses). Foster Care to Adopt is free.

Q: Was being self employed an issue?
A: No, it wasn’t an issue at all. We had to show our tax returns, but everyone does.

Q: What does cost goes towards and how it’s broken down?
A: You can read about the breakdown here. When it says “third party” a part of that is the local home study you have to pay for and also you write a lot of (smallish- hundreds or less) checks to government agencies while you are doing paperwork. The fees may be lower now that the orphanage donation is no longer required.

Q: What would you recommend for a couple who doesn’t have $20-$30K sitting around to put towards adoption fees?
A: This is one of the most asked questions. First of all, I want to say that through my experience I have met MANY lower or medium income and one income families who have adopted. I know it is a major roadblock for many, but there are also MANY families make it though those roadblocks with determination, hard work and creativity. It can be done! 

I don’t like it when people say negative things about adoption just because it costs a lot of money. I realize that on the surface level people are thinking they are doing something charitable by adopting a child so it should be free. That’s not realistic, though, because private adoptions are not government funded (although there are some awesome tax credits I will list below).

It’s also important to realize that people have careers to bring families together in the quickest, most efficient ways. These professionals are there to walk families through one of the most complicated and most difficult things you’ll ever do. They spend years walking through your adoption with you. This is a service that costs money. It’s not a scam.

That said, I understand that many families who are perfectly qualified to adopt don’t have the cash on hand to cover the entire expense of an adoption. Here are some things that can help:

-Saving. We saved slowly for a year for our adoption. Most of the expenses done come until the end of the process, so you don’t have to have all the money already saved when you start the process. Even if you can’t save for your entire adoption, you can save for some of it.

-Tax credits. Talk to your accountant or social worker. Depending on your household income, most families who adopt from China quality for a SUBSTANTIAL tax credit.

–AdoptTogether.org This is a crowd funding website for adoptive families. A great resource!

-Fundraising. Many families fundraise for their adoption by selling something. This is a great option.

-Grants. Since Jeremy and I were able to save for our adoption we didn’t apply for any grants, but most families do! This takes time and research, but your social worker will be able to help you get started.

-Adoption Loans. Just like anything else in life, there are loans that exist for families who aren’t able to save fast enough for their adoption.

Q: Do you know of any resources for same sex couples who want to adopt? 
A: I asked our friend John from Gunner + Lux and his agency actually went out of business after they adopted their daughter. But he did have some really beautiful advice from their adoption journey that I wanted to share here.

“All adoptions are different.  (straight, gay, single….) So don’t compare your journey, your road to your special child to anyone.

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Hi there! I have organized this HUGE Q+A post in hopes of helping some families who are curious about or considering adoption.

I decided to break into parts by subject because Jeremy thought it was far too long (and I looked- it was almost 8000 words- yikes!) So here is part one, just questions on getting started and the first steps in the process!

GETTING STARTED: 

Q: How can I best support others going through the adoption process?
A: Treat them the same as ANY other family who is expecting a child. Just be excited for them. Ask them what you can do to help. I always appreciated people asking me what I needed rather than assuming.

If you recall a negative story about a family who had their adopted children taken away or an adoptee who never recovered from the trauma- keep it to yourself. These stories get passed around so much more frequently than those of happy adoptive families. There are sad stories in every walk of life and it is not your job to warn a friend or family member about the risks of adoption (they already know them).

Q: Where do you start? Adoption seems overwhelming.
A: First of all, adoption IS overwhelming. Our process was eighteen months and we filled out over 100 pages of paperwork, paid around 35k in fees along the way and traveled to the other side of the world to adopt our daughter. That said, when it’s broken down one day at a time it’s NOT that bad. It’s a huge commitment, but it’s doable!

The first step (for couples) is to get on the same page (100%) about your hopes and goals for your adoption. After that, find a local social worker who can do your home study (all adoptions in the US require a local home study, so it doesn’t matter if you’re doing international or domestic or haven’t decided yet). They can help you navigate SO much more like choosing the right agency for your family, hiring a lawyer or whatever you need along the way.

Q: As a twenty something – not ready for a family yet – is there anything I can/should do now to prepare for the adoption process 5-10 years down the road?
A: A few things that I think would help. Spend your money on things that help build your net worth (like buying a car, a house or starting an investment savings account). Keep track of the paperwork in your life (start good filing habits). You will need copies of everything in your adoption from your marriage certificate, to vet records and all of your old addresses if you have moved a lot. You can save a little time later by being organized and keeping important documents all in one location.

Other than that, I would just say stay out of trouble (haha- I sound so old) and work on setting up a life that’s ready to bring a child into!

Q: Were your family and friends always 100% supportive?
A: No. In the early stages, when we first told our family and friends many people showed concern and fear for our choice. There were a few members of our family who were disappointed by our choice not to conceive a biological child. But as the process went on everyone got more comfortable. By the time they “met” Nova ( just seeing her first photos before we had her) everyone was 100% supportive.

My advice here is to give people time. Especially older people. It’s difficult to feel like someone in your family is questioning such an intimate decision that you’ve put so much thought into, but remember that their reaction is probably coming out of fear. There is a LOT of misinformation about adoption in the world and a lot of what people are exposed to is false or overly negative.

A lot of people only know a few adoptive families or they’ve heard one bad story and they’re convinced you’re going to regret your choice. Don’t let this derail you. Expect push back and expect rude questions. Be ready to patiently answer questions and correct false statements (that one is honestly very awkward, but important).

Know that from the first day you start your adoption you become an advocate! It’s your job now to help educate people and normalize something they don’t know very much about. It’s not always easy, but it’s part of your new life as an adoptive family. Over time you’ll get really comfortable in this role. The world needs our positive stories. Be as kind as you can, but don’t be afraid to be honest and stand up for your choices as well.

Q: How did you help prepare the broader family for adoption? Is there any advice you’d share for that?
A: We worked really hard to keep our family filled in throughout the adoption process including what we learned in our classes and books and what to expect from each stage. As we were learning new things, we tried to pass that along. Looking back, I do feel like our families know SO much more about adoption now that when we started. So try to look at your process as a chance for everyone to learn something new together.

Q: What is the worst or most difficult part of the adoption process?
A: For us, the first few weeks of transition were extremely challenging. Taking Nova away from everything she knew was one of the most heartbreaking things we have ever experienced. We were really prepared for the signs of hurt and rejection she would show to us, but it was still very difficult in the moment. No matter how prepared you are, when you’re exhausted it’s even more difficult than you expected.

The wait was also difficult for me. I would say it was one of the lowest points in my life last summer when we were waiting and hoping for a call, but months were going by without one. Our agency was matching the families in front of us really slowly and it was so crushing to not know when we’d get matched. I felt really supported by my friends and family and I did everything I possibly could to stay busy, but it was till extremely difficult to now know exactly when it would happen.

Q: How do you know that this little child across the world is the one for you. Do you get a strong feeling this is the one, were there any that you had to pass by cause it didn’t feel right or any other reasons?
A: I was at a point where I would have said yes to any child, so I wasn’t worried about fireworks going off in my heart or anything. I was just SUPER READY to be a mom. Jeremy was always more reserved than me. He’s typically the cautious one in our relationship and a good balance for me.

He did have a special feeling after seeing Nova’s spotlight email come through. He couldn’t shake the feeling so he emailed for more information. We took over a week before saying the “official” yes after we got her file, because he wanted to feel really sure. But he says now that he knew right away that it was probably a yes, he just had to work through some fears.

We didn’t have to pass on any children, that was my NUMBER ONE fear the entire time. It would have been really difficult for me- but families have to do it all the time for all different reasons, usually because both parents aren’t on the same page.

Q: Curious about how you and Jeremy kept level and supported one another through the wait. What were some coping mechanisms you used to stay sane?
A: There were a couple things that really helped us! The first one is that we celebrated EVERY adoption milestone. In the beginning, when you are just filling out endless paperwork, it can feel so far away and discouraging. But those little celebrations helped me to stay motivated and see past the stage we were in. The other thing we did that helped was we had a private IG account that we used as a journal for our adoption process. We kept all the highlights and journaled some feelings on there as well. It’s so special to look back on now. We’re planning to print the private IG into a book for Nova.

Q: Will you proactively tell her about the process of her adoption or will you wait until she begins to ask questions?
A: We plan to always talk about adoption in our family, starting with some beautiful books we have that are meant for toddlers. Our plan is that we will always tell Nova everything she wants to know that she is old enough to understand. We’re friends with a lot of other families that have adopted children, which I think is really important for Nova’s childhood.

Q: How did you decide on international adoption vs domestic or fostering?
A: We looked into private, domestic adoption and international. We chose international because it felt like the right fit for our family (our hearts were already attached to the idea from a friend’s story we followed).

Domestic can be faster, so halfway though I freaked out and we talked about switching- but ultimately decided to stay with our process. You have to face fears no matter which path you go down, but I was really scared of the idea of being with a baby when it was born and then the mom changing her mind. That was probably one of the things that put us over the edge with choosing China. Obviously- there are no bad choices and both paths are great!

We never looked into foster care to adopt because I wasn’t open to the risk level. I am so inspired by the brave families who adopt through foster care.

Q: What about adopting through foster care?
A: We never looked into foster care, so I am not an expert on it. I’m not trying to leave it out here, but I honestly know almost nothing about foster care.

Q: Do you have any tips on bonding?
A: The most important tip I have is to try your best to go in with low expectations. On the morning of our adoption my friend Ashley texted me reminding me to have low expectations. And although I did my BEST to, it was still an incredibly crushing day. (I will share the full story soon)

You may have spent two years fantasizing about hugging this beautiful little person, but your job in the beginning is to be patient, read their cues and put their needs and feelings first. Bonding can’t be rushed.

Our bond took time. Anytime I felt discouraged or selfish I thought about our situation from Nova’s perspective and felt so much compassion and love. It’s not an easy part of the process, but it’s important to know that a slow bond with your new child is normal and healthy. If they came running into your arms on day one that would mean they weren’t grieving their loss yet.

Some things that helped- LOTS of playtime. Our first form of communication with Nova was definitely playing. In the early days playing the games she chose over and over was very comforting to her.

Food helped, mealtime and snacks were the first things that helped her accept me when she was still very hurt and scared.

Another thing that helped us at first was finding reasons to get out of our hotel room, she seemed to do better when we weren’t in the room while we were still in China. A lot of the other families we met seemed to feel the same way. There’s just some weird juju with staying cooped up in a hotel room for too long.

But bottom line- it takes time. You might need to have a daily private cry-fest or a friend to text and vent to, but you can’t force it to go faster. It taught me a lot of patience and when Nova started to bond with me each step was the MOST rewarding thing I could have possibly imagined.

Q: Were you and Jeremy on the same page about it from the start — equally wanting this path for growing your family? Or was one of you set on it and “convinced” the other? If the latter, how did you ultimately arrive on the same page?
A: We never moved forward without being on the same page, and we feel VERY strongly that this is essential for couples. There were moments when we were decided which program to enter, the medical conditions checklist, ages, genders and when we saw new children in our spotlight emails where we did not agree.

While it’s never a comfortable feeling to disagree, it’s also completely normal and no one is at fault. When it was a no from one of us, it was a no from b0th of us. That’s just how it needs to be. No one should have to be pushed into an adoption commitment.

Q: Was your adoption agency open to families that already had a biological child?
A: Yes, you are not penalized in ANY way for having biological children. I can’t speak for every agency, but at Holt they are extremely fair about the order in which they match families (it’s borderline annoying how fair they are about the matching process- haha).

Q: Do you know if the process goes quicker if you are “declared” unable to carry/have children on your own? And if there are different rules, such as having to be married for so and so long?
A: No, it doesn’t make it faster.

From our experience the only things that CAN make your match wait time faster are- choosing a child from the photo listing (these would be kids with more serious medical needs since they aren’t matching with any of the waiting families), being open to more medical conditions, being open to both genders and being open to older ages.

As tempting as it can be to want your wait to be “really fast”, I do have to say that you should never sign up for someone you are unsure of just to make your wait quicker. That’s obviously unfair to the child.

As far as the other rules- you have to both be 30 years old and you have to be married for two years. In the China program only straight married couples and single women are allowed to adopt. You can read the rest of the criteria here.

Q: What did your agency want to know about you/Jeremy personally? I’m assuming they ask about income, careers, education level…? What about other things like hobbies, parenting styles, politics, religious views, your family backgrounds, if you’re musical, if you have pets…??
A: In the home study we were asked about every facet of our lives I can recall except politics (I never remember being asked a political question, but it came up for us a lot because it’s something we are both interested in). I never felt discriminated against because we don’t go to church (a lot of people asked about this- and yes, I was nervous about it before we started). We had to disclose a LOT of financial information, everything about our education, our childhoods, medical reports, and personal questions about our marriage. They pretty much ask about everything. It felt like a LOT at first, but we got comfortable with it really fast.

In domestic versus international this is a HUGE point of difference. Because in domestic the birth family is choosing the adoptive family based on this information. But in international they are mainly just making sure you are qualified to adopt.

Q: Was one of you much more pro-conception/having “your own”? how did you agree on adoption?
A: Not really. We were trying to get pregnant for a couple of years- so we were definitely open to having biological children, but we were always open to both. When the time came that we decided to only pursue adoption for building our family it was an easy choice for both of us.

A lot of people private message me and basically ask, “how did you get your husband to be ok with adoption?” The answer is- I didn’t. He came to it on his own. I think that exposing your partner to more adoption stories is a positive thing to do since some people really haven’t had much exposure, but you can’t make someone become ok with adoption. There are a lot of people in the world who aren’t open to adoption, and I don’t think guilting or shaming them helps. Some people just aren’t open to it.

Q: Were you worried about how you’d bond if you hadn’t met before the adoption took place.
A: I got this question a lot and even, “can you back out if it doesn’t feel right when you meet in China”. The answer is, yes, by the way. You can back out in China, but you can’t switch kids. If you backed out you would have to go home, get re-matched and go back to China for the second child.

To answer the question- no I wasn’t really scared we would never bond and I expected it to be rocky at first and did my best to keep my expectations low at first. That said, I think that it’s TOTALLY normal for anyone who is about become a parent to have these fears. I’ve heard my pregnant friends say things like that before.

It’s so interesting to me how we all have these really specific fears, unique to all of us and then most of them never even happen.

Q: What were your first steps after deciding you wanted to begin the adoption process?
A: The first steps were to find a local social worker and begin the home study. We started saving up. We bought a bunch of books to read about parenting in general and adoption.

Q: What made you want to adopt? Did you have fertility issues, or was it just something you’ve always wanted? And if it was the latter, do you think you’ll ever have a biological child? Do you plan on adopting more children?
A: Short version- No we did not have fertility issues. We spent some time trying to get pregnant and then decided to start our first adoption after five years of marriage. After we started the adoption we realized it was a great fit for us and began to prevent pregnancy. Now we plan to adopt exclusively, so no, we never plan to try to have biological children.

We will probably start our second adoption in a year or so. As of right now, we are planning to adopt two children total. I wrote more about this here and here.

Q: How did you decide what adoption agency to use? What resources did you rely on when you were doing that research and deciding?
A: We found our agency through a personal recommendation of a family member. One of Jeremy’s siblings had a cousin-in-law that used our same agency.

Q: Do you happen to know if Holt works with non-Christian parents?
A: Yes, they do. Like I said above, we don’t go to church and we never felt discriminated against for that in ANY way. We were asked a few questions about our faith during our home study, but we were told that China isn’t a country that wants to know anything about your religion.

Incase you don’t know- the China adoption world is primarily made up of conservative Christian adoptive families, agencies and organizations (on the US side of things). There were moments we felt VERY outside our bubble, but ultimately we felt it was a GOOD life experience for us to be outside our bubble. We want to encourage more people like us, who are liberal, to take this path because this kind of diversity is healthy and needed in the China adoption community.

Q: One thing I think would drive me crazy is anyone suggesting that I couldn’t possibly love my child in the same way as them because she/he isn’t biologically mine — Have you experienced this (i hope not!) and what are your feelings on the matter?
A: Yes, people have said offensive things to us (usually because they are clueless, not cruel). As an adoptive parent you become an advocate. Every day when I share bits of our family on the internet I feel happy that our story is normalizing adoption for some people and helping to melt away fears, bias and misinformation.

I honestly don’t get offended very easily anymore and I think it’s clear to everyone who looks at our little photos and videos that we ADORE our child and could not possibly love her more.

Q: What do you recommend having prepared at home for the child’s arrival after adoption?
A: We had everything (full nursery, full closet, stroller, high chair etc….) and I don’t regret any of it, even though there were a few things that we had to modify after we got home. I just can’t imagine the pressure of having to buy all of that and decorate with a new kid at home- I prefer to take my time with things like that and feeling rushed would have given me anxiety. I made sure all of our thank you notes were done before we left for China, our house was the cleanest it’s ever been- we tried to do everything we could think of to be prepared.

One of my close friends did the opposite, though, she prepared very minimally because she felt superstitious of it falling through. And it would be truly horrible to have an adoption fall through with a totally decorated nursery in your home. I totally get that, so, to each their own!

Q: From some research I’ve learnt that adoptive children are twice as likely to suffer from mental health issues. Do you have a plan as to how to help Nova should she struggle in adolescence with her identity, abandonment issues and attachment disorders?
A: First and foremost- seeking professional help. Most people I know have benefitted from therapy at one time in their lives or another. You don’t have to be a professional in every field as long as you trust and seek help from the right people when you need it.

The other thing we feel very strongly about is separating adoption based problems from problems any child could face. We don’t like to assume that every issue that comes up with Nova is a result of trauma or adoption related. That said, it’s important to keep your eyes open and seek support when you need it.

Q: My question is based on already having my own child, and having to wait a little while until the ‘love’ came… Did you worry that you wouldn’t love or even like her? I find it hard to imagine how one could instantly fall in love with a complete stranger, and feel pressure to do so because they are yours.
A: I think this is a general parenting concern and not adoption specific. A newborn baby is a completely stranger too. So any parent could go through this and yes, it’s completely normal.

Personally, I am quick to love (almost to a fault) so I wasn’t worried about it. Jeremy was prepared by some of his close friends who took time to bond with their (biological) children so he was anticipating the worst case scenario. That’s just his personality and how he approaches parenting in general though- he gains confidence from knowing what the worst case scenario is and then everything else seems like a bonus to him.

I was mainly concerned I would experience post-adoption depression (same as postpartum) because I had been on such a HIGH being so excited to become a mom. It didn’t happen to me, but I was totally prepared to go straight to therapy when we got home. I’ve heard a lot of adoptive moms say that they needed that.

But yeah, these are normal fears and there’s nothing wrong with love taking time to grow. Prepare your support system. I have a few special friends who I can be really, really honest with, with no fear of judgement. This is so important.

Q: How did you overcome the fear of loss? Of an adoption not going through at the last minute or being reversed?
A: Ultimately, I had to accept that becoming a parent in ANY way opens me up to the greatest fear- losing a child. A few of my close friends have been through this and it’s horrifying.

In the weeks and days leading up to our adoption, I was pretty nervous that something would go wrong and we wouldn’t be able to adopt Nova or even meet her. It was scary because we were already so attached to her and she was already our daughter in our hearts and minds.

But this is a fear every parent has to face.

As far as it being reversed, it’s not possible for us. I know some adoptions are more risky in that way, but in our adoption from China almost all the paperwork and immigration is done on the front end so it’s already official when you arrive home.

Q: (regarding paperwork) What would you do differently to avoid mistakes or speed up just that process?
A: Get organized and set time limits for yourself. For example, it took us two months to do all the paperwork to submit our homestudy application. There were doctors appointments, vet notes and things we had to request from Missouri because we had misplaced documents. Having a big master checklist will help to prepare both the homestudy application and the dossier documents.

Ask your social worker how long they need to prepare your home study. There was a big difference in the time needed for different social workers in our area. It could save months to find the fastest person.

Never feel bad calling your agency to ask every little question. Having to redo papers that get rejected is so annoying, so be proactive on the front end and try to make sure you’re getting it done right the first time.

I’ll be back soon with part 2!

Disclaimers: I can only speak from my own perspective and experience. I got a lot of questions from people outside the US that I honestly can’t begin to answer. If you are outside the US I encourage you to look for a local social worker or adoption agency and ask them all the questions you can!

Every adoption is different. Don’t take my experiences as truth for everyone. And if you are reading this post it’s been a few years, the rules for China have probably changed. They changed a couple times while we were working on our adoption. Thanks for reading! The reason we share our adoption is to help other families who are going through it.

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I wrote down a few notes while we were traveling that I thought would make a helpful read for anyone planning an adoption trip (but also to remind myself before our next trip haha). I’m not going to do a full-on packing list because everyone’s list would be different. But I’ll just go through thing things that we tried that made a positive difference and also the things that we wish we would have packed.

Airplane things:
–Travel pillow On the way there we both really liked using these travel pillows. I can rarely get good sleep on a plane, but I was watching movies on my Amazon app inside the pillow and it was nice to have some privacy (ish) on the long fourteen hour flight. For the way home when we had Nova with us, we were no longer able to use these larger pillows and a neck pillow would have been better.

-Amazon Prime Video. In advance I downloaded a bunch of movies (half old favorites I wanted to rematch and half newer movies I wanted to see) and I think I watched almost every single one throughout the trip.

-For the way home we packed several extra things for Nova. Wow Water Coloring Books are awesome. We got her her own headphones (she didn’t “get” the iPad or movies in time for the flight, but she enjoyed listening to Amy Winehouse with them- haha) The number one toy we used in China and in the airports for HOURS was her stacking cups. Stacking cups are an absolute must for traveling with a toddler. So many people recommended them to us and they were worth their weight in gold.

Besides that the main thing that helped us on our long flights and in the airport was food. We dragged out every meal for as long as possible since food is a great distraction.

Our advice for the long plane ride: Remember when you take off that no matter what happens the plane will land in 14 hours. Haha. It’s just a day. I had a lot of fears for our plane ride that never even happened. Also remember- drinks are free on international flights… haha!

Packing Notes:
-I packed tons on skincare samples. I had been hoarding so many skincare sample-size items for the trip. These were extremely comforting to me because when living in hotels in China for two weeks it’s nice to have things that are kind of a “me time” treat. Having time to do a face mask was one of the best possible treats (that and wine haha).

I also made my own essential oil room spray and I ran out, bringing two bottles next time. Living out of a hotel room for this long (even if you get the deluxe) room is challenging with a child in diapers and a natural room spray helped so much.

-I struggled a lot with what kind of clothing to wear. I definitely made some packing mistakes in this area, but next time I already know I can do so much better. First of all- check the temperatures in the cities you are traveling to. We visited three regions and the weather was drastically different between them. This is something to keep in mind.

Here’s the clothing I will pack on our next adoption trip.
-Two dresses. I did pack dresses 3 and I wore them all 2-3 times. Although 90% of the trip is very casual, it’s so nice to have something cute to wear for the first couple of nights out together (before you meet your child), for any nicer dinners you go to and for any group activities (like we went on a ferry ride with our group).
-4 versions of “fancy yoga” outfits with layers. Anything you could feel comfortable wearing on a plane (or even to sleep in) but also not embarrassed to wear to a restaurant. This is not the type of clothing I normally wear or spend money on, but for this trip it’s basically all you need! Focus on finding fabrics that don’t get stretched out (like yoga pants) instead of jeans and t-shirts that get gross after a couple of wears.

For Nova we packed one outfit for every day and two pairs of pajamas. We were fine on outfits, but I wish I had brought more like six pairs of pjs. She wore them so much. We ended up doing a lot of laundry (mostly her pjs and our underwear in the bathtub in our hotel room).

Note: A lot of people told us (or advice we read said) not to pack kids clothing, but to just to buy it there. I would NOT recommend this. Nova clothing barely took up two packing cubes (even though people thought we packed a lot- haha) and I hardly found anything in China I wanted to buy. I bought a couple things at Baby Zara and a couple silk dresses for her to wear for Chinese New Year, but other than that I didn’t buy anything for her and I was SO GLAD not to need to. In those early days we were so focused on playing with her and trying to create a bond, I can’t imagine having left to try to find clothing. It’s completely true that you CAN find anything in China if you forget something, I just wouldn’t do that to myself on purpose.

The other thing to keep in mind is that the province where you first meet your child and spend five days is different for everyone. Some people in our group said theirs was super nice, buy ours wasn’t and it wasn’t easy to shop for anything except basic groceries.

For the next trip I will definitely pack even more clothing for the kids (I’m assuming Nova gets to come with us, of course!). Even if I get lucky and find the best children’s clothing shopping, I won’t regret being prepared.

Ergobaby We used this SO MUCH for walks and when we didn’t have a stroller. It was recommended for us to help with bonding, but it made our lives way easier in those first few days and I highly recommend it to anyone adopting a toddler.

What to buy in China:
-We go overseas pretty often and we aren’t big souvenir people, so we didn’t buy much in the way of souvenirs. We did get a bunch of wooden Chinese dolls (real small, keychain size) for friends and family to have a little gift. I got a couple of silk dresses for Nova (which were a good deal- $10-$15 for super pretty traditional dresses for Chinese New Year).

Other than that, we only purchased diapers (check the pharmacy stores for these), snacks and wine (way cheaper if you buy it from a grocery store than from your hotel). Our agency let us borrow a stroller in Guangzhou to take walks with.

-Before you leave China ask your guide to help you download QQMusic and load it with kids songs. Nova LOVES hearing her Chinese songs every day.

Things we wish we would have packed:
-One plastic plate for Nova. We ended up wishing for this SO much, especially in our hotel room. You end up eating out a lot, and at a lot of hotel buffets and it would be so much easier with just one plastic plate to clean and reuse.

-More room spray. As I mentioned above, spending a ton of time in a hotel room (including meals and diaper changes) can be a lot. After I ran out of my homemade room spray I was definitely wishing I would have packed three.

-Download more ebooks. I didn’t realize how BORED I would be. I took a book with me and I finished it on the plane ride there. But two whole weeks is a long time and not every task is a two person task, so one parent is free a lot of the time. I didn’t pack my computer, so I felt like I was on my phone a lot. Next time I would download more books or even bring an easy to pack craft project!

Random notes: Download the app “Express VPN” before you leave for China. You have to turn the VPN on or sites like Instagram, WordPress and even google will be blocked.

ETA: (I forgot a couple things)
-Save photos on your phone of chinese food you like (we ordered fried noodles and green beans a lot, also fried dumplings) and anything else you know you will want to order. Not every place will have a photo menu, so it’s smart to kind of make your own incase you need it.

We had a really difficult time ordering just a plain black coffee- so these photos can help you a lot when you’re at a place where zero people speak english.

-Starbucks via (instant coffee) normally we would never drink this, but next time we will take it to China for SURE. All the instant coffee we came across in China was sweetened. So if you are particular about your coffee, take a back up plan.

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